BEFORE THE WEDDING — A FRANK TALK
Sharing in the beginning of a Christian marriage and home is a joy for any pastor. But having to pick up the pieces of a broken home is a trying experience. Therefore, when I was pastoring, I did not choose to officiate for all couples who requested it. Experience has taught some hard lessons.
I much preferred to be thought of as the pastor of the church, not a civil officer who is bound by law to respond to each request to perform a wedding.
WHEN DOES THE PASTOR SAY “NO”?
Many of the folks who apply for marriage call unexpectedly hoping for “walk-in” service right on the spot, or a few days hence. All these I would refuse. I want no part of such “quickie” beginnings of a home.
It is my feeling that young people should be married by their own pastor. I desired to stay by my own congregation. That was my sole responsibility. I was not serving the general public as a civil officer.
It is indeed sad that many seek to establish their earthly home first — with no definite church connection nor hope of a heavenly home.
“Mixed marriages” are another problem. In particular, this includes a professing Christian attempting to be joined to an unsaved one. Conscience simply will not let me perform such a ceremony. This is an unequal yoke, 2 Corinthians 6:14. See also 1 Corinthians 7:39.
It would seem good, even urgent, for parents to begin early to counsel their children concerning the standards of the Scripture — that marriage is to be “only in the Lord.” Certainly a pastor ought not to be expected to act in a wedding that is contrary to this standard. Let the spiritual matters be put first.
Sometimes parents may themselves disapprove of their own child’s unconverted partner, but being unable to stop the wedding plans, they make a last ditch stand to get them to be married in “our church.” Pity the poor pastor! Surely, the building that houses a ceremony for these few moments is not going to change the years of married life! I would prefer not to officiate in anything like that.
The propriety of a function requiring use of the church building is the Deacons’ decision, but the responsibility of performing the wedding service rests upon the minister and his conscience. Where thought necessary, the pastor will turn to the Elders for advice.
HOW EARLY SHOULD THE PASTOR BE CONTACTED?
Before engagement! Surprised? An off-the-cuff “popping of the question” is surely not the best way to move toward a solid home. Ought not a couple to consider their step prayerfully, deliberately — seeking frank counsel with parents and even their pastor? (If anything in this world bears on the spiritual life, surely marriage does. A pastor is concerned.) Right at this juncture Christian young people ought to face their problems, if they exist. Later may be too late.
Then, after the engagement there follows the dangerous period when many couples are led to let down moral standards because of the feeling “we are already promised to each other.” They need straight-from-the-shoulder warning from parents and an interested pastor.
PLANNING FOR THE CEREMONY
It will not be necessary to go into the many details covered in regular pastoral counseling of the couples, but some information in advance might help.
Keep in mind what you are working toward and planning for. Which is it — a home or just a ceremony? Think it over. Something is wrong in this age when an exhausting, exasperating effort (not to speak of the money!) is poured into the ceremony and reception, that lasts but a few moments, and so little is done for the home, which is for years to come. Many a couple have had a gorgeous ceremony and an ugly, unhappy home.
Christians need to do drastic, radical rethinking here! Parents spend hours, days, weeks, even months toiling and talking over plans for the wedding, but fail miserably in sharing their life-long lessons in marriage and in giving the intimate counsel every fellow and girl so desperately need. They just assume it will work out as far as the home is concerned but see these same parents strive over every detail of the approaching ceremony and reception!
Christians ought to guard against the “show” in the ceremony. Maybe we ought to replace the word “ceremony” with the term “service.” “Wedding service” — that sounds better! Much better to begin a home with Christ than to meet at His altar in a fake dedication of body and soul to God and to one another. Here is the heart of the matter. Little wonder in some of the foreign countries where the churches are new and fresh in their Christianity, they will be found singing hymns and worshipping God 1n the wedding service, and then engaging in true, joyous Christian fellowship in the gathering (reception) that follows. Some of our ways are stereotyped, empty and aimed at show.
A frank word here regarding fees might be in order. I do not speak for any other ministers – just for myself. I did not charge fees. Since I limited this service to members of our church and since the church provided for my family’s livelihood, I counted it a privilege to share in these happy moments as the pastor. This is why I am serving as pastor.
Careful instructions should be given concerning each phase of the wedding service. The chairman of the Trustees ought to be contacted for regulations concerning the use of the building and facilities. This board is usually charged with the care of the church property and specific policies may be set by them.
Each member is requested to exercise care to protect the property. This includes taking responsibility to prevent damage or misuse. Guests ought to be courteously informed ahead of time that no smoking is permitted in the building at any time.
In cases where there is a question as to the propriety of a function, the matter will be decided upon by the pastor and church officials together.
Thus, a wedding and rehearsal dates must be cleared with the pastor, the trustees and the church office. These steps will prevent any conflict of dates with another group or any other misunderstanding.
It is also the responsibility of the member requesting use of the facilities for a wedding to contact the janitor and work out details involving his services. Since his work in having the building opened at the right time and in cleaning and other duties for the wedding is in addition to his regular work, remuneration is appropriate.
It is also the duty of the family to make necessary arrangements with the organist/pianist and care for this fee. Couples would do well to investigate the possibility of using carefully chosen sacred music and other features during the ceremony to deepen its spiritual significance.
In conclusion, whatever regulations there may be regarding weddings, they are all aimed at making each such service more meaningful and preventing any misuse of God’s house.
May God give us Christian homes!
PRAYER FOR A BRIDE AND GROOM
O GOD OF LOVE, Thou hast established marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Thine was the plan and only with Thee can we work it out with joy. Thou hast said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a help meet for him.” Now our joys are doubled since the happiness of one is the happiness of the other. Our burdens now are halved since when we share them, we divide the load.
Bless this husband. Bless him as provider of nourishment and raiment and sustain him in all the exaction and pressures of his battle for bread. May his strength be her protection, his character be her boast in him the haven for which the heart of woman truly longs.
Bless this loving wife. Give her a tenderness that will make her great, a deep sense of understanding of soul that never fades, that eternal youth that is found in holding fast the things that never age.
Teach them that marriage is not living merely for each other; it is two uniting and joining hands to serve thee. Give them a great spiritual purpose in life. May they seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and the other things shall be added unto them.
May they not expect that perfection of each other that belongs alone to Thee. May they minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other through a lover’s kind and patient eyes.
Now make such assignments to them on the scroll of Thy will as will bless them and develop their characters as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them humane, enough of failure to keep their hands clenched rightly in Thine, and enough of success to make them sure they walk with God.
May they never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, “out of all this world you have chosen me.”
When life is done and the sun is setting, may they be found then as now still hand in hand, still thanking God for each other. May they serve Thee happily, faithfully, together, until at last one shall lay the other into the arms of God.
This we ask through Jesus Christ, great lover of our souls. Amen
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