A church I once pastored confessed in its doctrine that “it is the duty of all believers to give all diligence to make their calling and election sure, by sincere and loving obedience to the commands and teachings of his Lord,” and covenants in its practice “to be just in our dealings, faithful in our engagements, and exemplary in our deportment, ….. to abstain from anything that might have the appearance of evil, cause a brother to stumble, or harm our testimony for Christ.”

How do these beliefs and commitments relate to the rampant confusion in our society about divorce and remarriage? How do they relate to the uncertain sound provided by the various churches with their differing standards on this issue. It is in the interest of our spiritual well-being that the church understand and support the policy of the church’s elders on this subject.

Issues of moral choice and Biblical standards are often difficult to receive clearly because of unholy motivations and attitudes that might be involved. An effort to develop a scriptural policy in the area of divorce and remarriage must make room for a discerning assessment not only of the outward actions, but of the heart attitudes and spiritual maturity of the individuals involved. Those responsible to implement such a policy should maintain a mature flexibility that will enable them at all times to keep the total spiritual health of the individuals and the entire assembly in view.

Let us now survey the varying practices and viewpoints of evangelical Christians on divorce and remarriage.

1.There are those who hold that Jesus’ simple statements in Matthew and Mark rule out remarriage after divorce in all circumstances. Those who take this position take the so-called “exception” clause on fornication to refer not to marital unfaithfulness, but rather to undisclosed premarital uncleanness which, under Old Testament law, would invalidate the marriage.

2. A second group believes that divorce and remarriage are not God’s design, but the sexual unfaithfulness is the one exceptional instance in which both divorce and remarriage are allowable, though not required.

3. A third group believe that in I Corinthians 7 Paul also authorizes remarriage for the believer following a divorce caused by the departure of an unbelieving partner on religious grounds. (“The brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.”) Some in this group would add willful desertion for any reason as grounds for divorce and remarriage.

4. A fourth group believe that a believer’s salvation cleanses them from all of the entanglements of previous failed marriages and remarriages and is free to marry again in the Lord.

What has been the view of the elders in their preaching, teaching, and counseling?  We have held, with group #2 above, that the emphasis in scripture is on the inviolability of the marriage contract, but that this bond can be dissolved either by death, or by the sexual unfaithfulness of one of the partners. The believing mate who is left by his unbelieving partner because of his or her faith is not under the bondage of being responsible or of being obligated to bring reconciliation about, but should remain unmarried in hopes of a restoration. Though position #1 seems to us an extreme one, we believe that God will provide his all-sufficient grace to those who live by it.

Genuine examples of the situation posed in view #3 are extremely rare, but when they occur it seems that Paul’s concluding word is normative: (“A wife is bound to her husband as long as she lives”) that the believer should remain unmarried. View #4 is completely without foundation. Obligations of promise, debt, restitution, etc. made before conversion are obviously still in effect, including the vows of marriage.

We hold, then,

(a) that marriage is an institution of God and that separation and divorce are extreme alternatives to be resorted to only when the physical and emotional well-being of the partners or children are at stake,

(b) that legally divorced individuals should seek to identify and forsake any of their own sinful patterns that may have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, and seek and patiently await a permanent reconciliation with their mates, or else remain unmarried,

(c) that in cases where the breakdown of the marriage was clearly precipitated by sexual unfaithfulness, or where efforts at reconciliation are met with promiscuous activity or remarriage by the former mate, the other party might, under certain circumstances, be free to marry again in the Lord,

(d) that it is clearly out of the will of God for a believer to marry someone who has been divorced and remarried for unbiblical reasons.

How have the elders applied these convictions in practical situations? First, as it relates to those applying for membership in the church, we have always questioned divorced individuals about the circumstances of their divorce. If they have not married, we ask them what their convictions are about remarriage and let them know if we feel that remarriage is out of the will of God for them. If they have remarried already, we instruct them that while it would not be God’s will for them to separate and return to a former spouse, they must repent of any wrong involved in their divorce and/or remarriage. (We would not present them to the church unless this were done.)

For those single individuals who come into the church fellowship separated or divorced, our counsel is that they have one and only one proper course, and that is to first sincerely and diligently seek reconciliation with their partner. While there may be instances in which divorce and remarriage are allowed, the circumstances are usually complex and the possibilities of emotional and spiritual harm great, so that we request our members who are divorced not to enter into dating relationships without consulting with the elders first. These consultations would include discussions of

(a) whether this person has any Biblical or moral basis for a second marriage

(b) whether the person’s life has sufficiently changed so as to assure a successful marriage, and

(c) the overall effect on their testimony, the testimony of the church, and the spiritual well-being of the church’s members, should they marry agaih.

AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION NEEDS TO BE KEPT IN MIND HERE: The confused and complicated situations that sin can produce, along with the varying views of sincere believers on this subject mean that in some situations the moral responsibility for a decision to remarry must rest on the shoulders of the individual. A decision by the elders not to forbid a remarriage or not to call for church discipline for it does not amount to an endorsement or approval of it. Each elder reserves the right to refuse to participate in any marriage plans or ceremonies which he cannot in good conscience support.

In summary, let us consider how these policies and practices affect various individuals:

THE SINGLE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED PERSON:

1. Those applying for membership will be called upon to identify and repent of personal sins contributing to the marriage failure (privately with the elders). Unless the elders are agreed that the circumstances of their divorce leave the person free to remarry, they will be informed that another marriage on their part will result in disciplinary action being called for.
2. Single divorced members will be asked to confine their social relationships to group fellowship activities and interaction with couples and families, and to refrain from dating relationships, unless the elders acquiesce or concur in a decision to pursue marriage opportunities. (A decision by the elders not to oppose a member’s movement toward marriage implies neither that they believe the member is prepared for marriage nor that it is God’s will for them.)

DIVORCED AND REMARRIED COUPLES AND INDIVIDUALS

1. Those applying for membership who have been divorced and remarried will be counseled to ascertain the circumstances. If there were not scriptural grounds for the divorce and remarriage, a true repentance will be sought and a consecration of the new marriage made to the Lord. The fact of this repentance and dedication will be made known to the church at the time they are presented as candidates for membership.
2. Divorced and remarried individuals with unbelieving spouses will be dealt with in the same manner as above. All divorced and remarried members will be encouraged to make it known, where helpful, that their situation is an example of the grace of God and that they in no way condone divorce and remarriage generally.

SINGLE INDIVIDUALS

1. Single members contemplating marriage to a divorced person outside of the church will be asked to explain the circumstances to the elders. If there does not seem to be a scriptural basis for remarriage, the marriage could result in a call for disciplinary action by the church.

2. If a single member contemplating marriage to a divorced believer (non-member) has a conscientious conviction, based upon their understanding of scripture, that their marriage is proper, even though the elders do not agree with it, disciplinary action might not be called for, but the elders would reserve the right to state publicly their reservations about it and to bar the member’s new spouse from membership in the church. In some cases, it might be best for the member to withdraw from the church to avoid offense or division.

3. All single members will be asked to refrain from dating relationships with any divorced person without first discussing this with the elders, especially if the divorcee is also a member.

A FINAL WORD

When Jesus gave his teaching about the permanence and sacredness of the marital union, his disciples were astonished at its rigidness in comparison to the customs of the day.  Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” (Matthew 19:11,12 NIV). It is clear that Jesus intended that some of his disciples, separated from their mates, would refuse to remarry, on the basis of moral conviction.

We believe strongly that every believer who is divorced, regardless of the circumstance, ought to first consider the single life as God’s will for him or her. In many cases it will be the only righteous course. Often it will be the wise course, for many reasons, including:

(1) the many opportunities for deeper service for Christ

(2) the preservation of a good testimony to the unsaved

(3) the avoidance of repetition of problems encountered in the first marriage and of a possible second failure

(4) the opportunity to be drawn even closer to our heavenly bridegroom who who promises to fill the hungry and thirsty soul.

God supplies His all-sufficient grace to those whose marital expectations are tragically altered by debilitating illnesses and crippling accidents befalling their spouses. He will do the same for the divorced or separated mate who will bring his need to Christ. The divorced would especially do well to heed the word of the Apostle Paul, who wrote, “Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife…. Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” (I Corinthians 7:27,28).

 

VERSES ON DIVORCE (NIV)

Genesis 2:18-24  The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature. that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock. the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man. and he brought her to the man. The man said. “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. and they will become one flesh.

Deuteronomy 24:1-4  If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies. then her first husband, who divorced her is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.

Matthew 5:31-32   It has been said, Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife. except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:3-12   Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied. “that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female. and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away;” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery,” The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied. “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way: others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

Matthew 10:2-12  Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

I Corinthians 1:8-28.39 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save you wife?

Nevertheless. each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you –although if you can gain your freedom, do so. For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord’s freedman: similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ’s slave. You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But it you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this ….

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies. she is free to marry anyone she wishes. but he must belong to the Lord.