Realizing I had lost my way, I turned in at the corner variety store to ask directions. Only three persons were inside — the clerk registering a small purchase for a tall and plumpish middle-aged man and a young man walking toward me who appeared to be about 16.
“Could you direct me to the Billy Smith Highway?” I asked.
“Hmmm, yah, it’s right over…Oh, Dad. Dad!” The man then signing his credit card slip responded, “Just a moment! I am busy!”
At this the son grimaced with a look of perhaps both embarrassment and irritation and muttered, “He’ll help you.” With an air of condescension, the man came around the counter toward us.
“This man would like to get on the Billy Smith,” said the lad as he disappeared out the front door.
“Which way are you coming from?” asked the father. I answered him — not that it made any difference, since I was parked in the store lot. “Either direction will get you there,” he continued. On and on he talked as he spilled out all the alternative routes. “You see, I live right by that highway. It’s only a mile or so down that road there, (pointing toward the street beside the store) or you can go around that other way. Wait! You wanted to get off at Jonesboro Road; I could send you around …”
“No thanks, I’ll stay with the Billy Smith Highway and use the street right there. Only, I will need to know which direction to travel on the Billy Smith.”
As the two of us walked into the parking lot, he noticed the church sign on the van I had borrowed from the church where I was guest speaker. “Are you a minister? I am, too — of Streetsville Bible Church.”
Glancing after him as each reached our own vehicles, I noticed the son sitting at the wheel of their van waiting for his father. As each of us drove out of the lot, I was thinking about the little incident and the implications of it.
WHAT IS YOUR EVALUATION OF THE FATHER AND THE SON AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP? (please write your answers before reading mine.)
Additional questions to stimulate further thought:
How would you characterize this man’s style of parenting?
What is the proper alternative?
What alternative do parents usually take?
Why is indulgence so harmful? And why does it produce a similar attitude toward parents as might be developing in the son of our story?
PASTOR’S EVALUATION OF DAD AND TEEN CASE STUDY
- Father displays a degrading disdain for his son, making himself an enforcer of family regulations (e.g. don’t interrupt) at the expense of personal respect to the son before others.
- Son was discouraged and dismayed at father — with an obvious history behind this.
- Son is insecure, being uncertain and hesitant to give directions though he himself is a driver and only a mile from a best known highway near which he lived.
- Father himself is insecure person — unable to give adequate directions or choose the one obvious route. He compensates by assuming a false air of importance and putting down his son, thus ultimately making the lad in the likeness of his own troubled character.
- Being a pastor probably will make it natural not only for the man to be despised but also for the church to be disliked — by the son.
- One cam imagine the kind of communication shared as they drive through the traffic together: Here is a man, working out his hang-ups and his need to be an exalted authority figure, giving directions to a son who is himself insecure and very tense toward his father. My guess is that he is driving with Dad — not to be with Dad — but only because it is the price he must pay to be behind the wheel. Sad but true: the Son sits in the driver’s seat but the father does all the driving — both in the van and in the son.
P.S. I took the street, only a few paces from where we were standing, straight to the Billy Smith Highway, one mile.
OTHER THOUGHTS
Clearly distinguish between the two styles of parenting: A harsh negative approach discourages and embitters children. On the other hand, indulgence leads to repulsive character and behavior that draws strong negative reactions and attitudes from parents which in turn offend the son or daughter.
BALANCE IS NEVER ACHIEVED BY BACKING INTO IT!! I.e., by reacting negatively and attempting not to be like an alternative.)